Painfully Obvious

What I’ve learned about myself experiencing constant unrelenting all encompassing pain is that I am stronger than I would have ever imagined… or ever wanted to be. There is a depth to pain that defies logic.

There have been times where I questioned everything I’d ever thought or said or done. Looking to the core. Past facades, past games and illusions. I’ve scrutinized my every motive. I’ve peered into the nakedness of my soul. Dissecting timelines and choices. I’ve asked for forgiveness and learned to forgive myself in return. Knowing that on clearing those paths, healing has a better chance of happening.

Sanity is not a fixed issue. Waves of torment, fear and doubt assault the mind’s door with a pounding for answers and begging for relief. Surreal becomes the norm. I questioned if I was in literal hell. A very hellish nightmare of repetitive torture and confinement. It’s very claustrophobic. My mind tries to configure an escape, but I feel like a rat in a maze trying to find a way out all the while being pelted with unseen waves of blasted energy, my nerves under fire. 

The clock becomes an enemy in its tormenting lag. Hour upon hour pass in painful segments as I sit awake and alone in the dark, praying it subsides down to a level 6-7 So possibly I might escape into sleep. But sleep only gives me an hour or two. Then I wake up and the assault slams me again, like a punch to my face. Each day is like ‘Ground Hog Day’ the movie, but without redemption or Bill Murray.

 
What do you do when you can’t escape yourself? When tatters of your soul lie tossed upon a shelf, as hammers of torture penetrate your body. This can’t be right, it’s such an oddity.

To cope with this cruel level of pain, I can’t help but question whether or not I’m still sane. The waves crash, my body is in constant crisis. The piercing stabbing of chronic binding stasis. There’s no escape and the attack is brutal. My aching consciousness feels life is unfair and futile.

How I long for happier days when moving, walking, sleeping came without obstacle or thought and I was free from agony, not caught in its web of insidious entropy.

I pray, I cry, I beg, I scream. I feel claustrophobic trapped inside myself and pray for what seems like a dream, to be whole and happy and well and free. When you read these words…  please pray for me. ♡

Out of the Forest of Fear and Pain

I had a vision as I was laying down. My body writhing in pain from an injury. I began to breathe deeply, relaxing myself, asking for peace.

Then it came.

I was above a circular clearing next to a dense forest. As I looked at the trees, I saw fragments of myself hiding behind them, peering out at me. They ranged in age, from tiny to adulthood. I recognized each self. Then I realized those parts of me got splintered off and cast into The Forest of Fear and Pain.

It happens to us all.

When we are children, the most important approval is from our parents. When something happens and we feel that disapproval and rejection, it hits hard. We blame a part of ourselves. We blame the ‘bad’ part and a piece of our soul is banished into this forest. A vacuum is created and something will fill that space. And our false selves are born in pain.

As I watched, I felt such love as they began to come out of the safety of the trees just waiting for me to come find myself and forgiveness. As I welcomed myself into myself, my soul back into my soul, I knew I was home. ❤